stand back and let it all be

You can add “expected: girl,” “expected: boy,” and “expected: child” to your facebook profile now. I’m can’t wait for the “aborted: fetus” and “currently ovulating” options to be available.

People might argue with you and say that juice won’t get you fat, but I’ve got a bunch of chubby photos from when I first lived on my own and had unmitigated access to vodka crans that begs to differ.  Fear of sugar necessitates vodka sodas, but sometimes I run out of soda, and by that time I’m usually too drunk to manage a martini.  Hence, vodka waters making their graceless entry into my drinking repertoire. Believe me, I don’t enjoy sounding like a weight conscious mess anymore than you probably do reading about it.  But this all transpired before I could even fathom that non-vodka beverages could be tolerated, let alone enjoyed, so let’s reserve our judgement.

This recipe is based on the fine bartending I performed last night, at our first attempt to invoke the spirit of summer with some scantily clad Summer Drinking.  It’s really imperative that you consume a few double caesars while waiting on your dinner, for full effect.

Ingredients:

Vodka

Water 

Lime

Directions:

Plan a summer themed party and dress accordingly.  Realize you’ve forgotten to buy any mixer, but since you’re wearing what amounts to a denim diaper, refuse to flash ass cheek at Shopper’s to pick some up.  Drink all the bourbon.  Grab that sketchy looking lime in the tupperware jar and run with it (not literally).  Get 3 old fashioned glasses, though only 2 are required.  Discover there’s no ice left. Pour 2 ounces in each glass and maybe a few on the counter.  Squeeze lime.  Add some tap water. Drop one of the drinks in the sink. Play it cool, no one saw (they saw). Make another drink “stealthily.”  Serve your guests warm tap water and vodka and pretend that’s a normal thing to do.  Kick them out at midnight and fall asleep listening to Dude Ranch.  Feel no shame because at least you were on the receiving end of those 4:30 texts for fucking once.  Write a 300 word diatribe about it all and post it on your stupid tumblr.

Ever have a mimosa and think, “wait…I’m not at a fucking bridal shower, bring me a real drink”?  Then the Manmosa is for you.  I’m pretty certain I ripped this off from The Whip, but added more booze, like a sensible person.  A lovely breakfast drink, the Manmosa pairs nicely with frozen McCain’s hashbrowns and burnt sausages.

Ingredients:

Cider

Vodka

Orange Juice

Willingness to be recklessly drunk before noon

Directions:

Get a biggish glass.  Pour as much of the cider you can fit into it.  Toss some ice in.  Probably drop a bunch of cubes on the floor, but just kick them under the fridge because you rent and who really gives a shit anyway.  Add at least an ounce of vodka.  Add more.  Drink a bit of the vodka/cider mix to make room.  Splash some orange juice on top of that to pretend you aren’t a complete fucking mess.  Check texts/twitter from the night before.  Delete them.  Repeat as necessary.

Tired of this total bullshit weather and extended winter? Looking for an excuse to drink even more? Perhaps you’d like to know a group of like-minded individuals in order to legitimize your abuse of alcohol?

We are determined to enjoy Summer Drinking in spite of that chill in the air. All Summer Drinking rules are effective immediately. Join us. 

1) Day drinking is absolutely appropriate, encouraged and expected.

2) Just about anything is an acceptable reason for a caesar or manmosa.  The sun came out for 30 goddamned seconds? Better make it a double to celebrate, and don’t forget a hefty splash.

3) Coug Juice is to be purchased by the box, chilled and available at all times.  

4) Drinking your dinner is a totally healthy way to achieve that bikini body you’ve always wanted. Celery and olives will fulfill that all important “garnish” level on the Summer Drinking food pyramid.

5) Mini coolers are for (beach booze) lovers and perfect for stashing your conspicuously discoloured Sprite Zero. 

6) A bottle of wine fits in a Big Gulp, so that’s good. 

7) We don’t care if that pitcher of beer tastes like metallic piss, it’s one per person.  Let’s not be stupid.

8) When possible, minimal clothing is suggested. The more you consume, the less you really need those pants anyway. 

If summer never shows up, at least Summer Drinking will. Cheers!